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We are like old-ass mofo's!!


Time for a history lesson on the club. In late April of 1988, a few Scum Beachers decided to take a Long Island Dip. This was followed in May by the Infamous Memorial Day Shotsy Monday. Last bottle to go down was a fifth of sloe-gin we found in the attic, not sure how someone didn't drown. For the record, the sound IS chilly in May. Later that summer, another group of us went skinny-dipping and were instructed to leave the water by one of the elder residents in the neighborhood (whose daughter happened to in the water...shirtless)

The next year we officially started the Scum Beach Polar Bear Club. Why? Two reasons. First, it totally blows in Branford during the winter. Second, all my buddies were getting married and their backbones were disintegrating. We tried putting a couple of these clowns into inert gas vacuums (nitrogen, helium and various mixtures) from the neck down to prevent the bone degradation though to no avail. I can still hear the cries, "Please honey. Can I please, please, pretty please with sugar on top meet Ryan at Callahan's for two beers?" You know who you are and you were a pitiful group of pussies. Anyway, that was then and this is now.

Today, the winter weather still totally blows in Branford, not a meteorological surprise of course. And my buddies? Well they're really not pussies anymore. Surgically implanted high-carbon-tool-steel torso beams supplemented with insanely high calcium dosages have returned many of them to their near-original upright walking positions. And the wives? I tried to make them all hate me. I called them names, wrote about them on rest room walls, and flicked boogers on them. But they wouldn't go away. Then I embarked on a clandestine plan to see each one of them naked. I felt a little guilty because they are all pretty hot but I had to lie and tell anyone who would listen how grotesque they looked. Though as you all know it didn't work, they saw through me and kept coming back for more. They totally ROCK and our party would suffer without them!




Sir Ryan